BUNTERS BAR, TRURO (2ND OCTOBER)

EVEN NINE

Get your shiters round this:

What the hell is this shit? - By Adam Puckey of The Gay Horses.

I moved house today. I'm back in Truro. After sorting through MOST of my things (A bit of washing needs to be done - i.e all my clothes), I decided to head down to Bunters for a pint of Cider.

Cider is the grease of wheels. It is the river of my dreams. It is the very cloud that fuels the rain of my content. Imagine my dismay to see, as I zoned in on the stage, that the blandest rock band ever created were pumping out perfectly timed, graceless, passionless pseudo-american super-pap to a crowd of bemused (possibly hypnotised) nodding bystanders.

Imagine it.

I had my hat cradled under my arm and I texted Gemma, my lassie, to inform her that I may just go back home again. Forget the cider.

I'm sorry. I am 'technically' a musician, and to be honest, I'm not very committed, or very good. I never practice. I can't be assed to arrange practices, gigs, shows, interviews, or anything. But if you put me on stage for an hour and a half with no microphone, no lights, no instruments, no band and no crowd, I'd STILL entertain more people than Even Nine did tonight.

You know that feeling you get when you lock the keys in the house and you know your landlord is away in corfu spending the rent that you can barely afford to pay? That's how it feels when I realise even nine are on the bill.

I once left in the middle of their soundcheck it was so soul destroyingly devoid of energy They just hit the bass drum for half an hour. The lead singer (can't be assed to learn his name) just ignores the crowd most of the time, with his back to the audience. He keeps doing some sort of royal wave (one surmises that this is an attempt to get the rest of the band to jam) while he stoops to drink his water.

WATER!!! FOr FuCk'S SAKE!!!WATER?????!!!!!

Who the fuck drinks water?Only Jack Black gets to drink water right? He's PAID his fucking dues.

There is a bit of bouncing about. The guitarist looks like that bouncer that shagged nancy off hollyoaks and the bass player may as well be the bass-tron 220 for all the fire and charisma he injected into the proceedings. The drummer is good. In the same way a click track is good.They all look at each other with embarrassed expressions on their faces, and when they did a little showy off bit each, they took turns one after the other, like it was a cbeebies rock show.

Believe it or not, they ruined a FEEDER song. How can you ruin a feeder song? Feeder write songs for eight year olds to learn to play on a the keyboard. (This is no slur against feeder. Feeder are wicked.) My point is that even nine sucked the life out of a song that was written as a celebration of the vacuous nature of pop music.

I HATE the fact that they play.

AND now I need a piss.

It could only get worse if my elvis blackout came to my house, deleted all my music, bluetoothed their ep or whatever, onto my phone, and set 'dat's kapital' as all of my contact ringtones, my main ringtone, my text message alert, and all seven of my alarms.

Actually, It could be worse.

I've got two phones.

www.myspace.com/evenninemusic